Stress and Exercise

So this has been kicking my butt and I haven't even done all of it since I am still too out of shape. It's only day four and I am sore all over. Not terribly sore, just low grade, kinda sore. The good kind where you know you have actually done something. I used her stretching challenge to try to get back to myself during my recovery so I decided to give this a try. Like I said, it is only a try...

Work is, well, work. I forgot it how much it took from me. I sit down to do the schedule and immediately I want gummy raspberries. Or any kind of candy. And then I break out and get sore all over and loose all my energy from the sugar rush. I am still fighting with this cycle. But fighting means I have to sleep more to stress less. I can feel myself slipping into all my old habits and cycles. It's insidious and a bit scary. But I am attempting this exercise challenge! I am still working on getting enough sleep. I hate missing anything...I am nosey and a know-it-all. So there is a huge possibility that I wouldn't get the most out of my own life if I fall asleep and things happen while I am unconscious... my very own brand of crazy. I used to blame it on boys- staying up all night attached to my phone texting or talking. But since I am alone now, I see it is probably just me. Ah, the tangled webs we weave when trying to keep ourselves from greatness. Or just even okayness.

$1,000 Rent

Honestly, why on earth is rent so high? It has finally sunk in that I need to buy a house. I am old and grown. For health reasons, I need better control over my environment. Paying a ton in rent is aggravating since I already know I won't be there forever. However, I do hate houses. All they do is fall apart and then I have to be the one to fix it! Maintenance doesn't just appear to magically make it better while I am at work. Now I have to find and call and schedule some company to come fix it- and all that costs EXTRA! I don't even like going and looking at houses. It just aggravates me as it is a crazy hodgepodge of compromise I don't want to make.  Listening to NPR, I heard that Millennials are beginning to take over the housing market. So that's me... and NPR says I need to suck it up and buy a house. So I got online and found some housing calculators! Fun, fun, fun!

Buying a House Is Very Grown Lady

CHFA Housing Affordability Calculator

So from this, I noticed that the biggest difference in the amount of home I can afford is the amount of monthly debt I have. I thought it would be the down payment. So according to this, on my current income, a 30 year mortgage at 5% with just a $1000 downpayment and $500 monthly debt = $185,000 house. A thousand dollars worth of monthly debt translates to just a $92,000 house! And in my current state - just a $54,000 house.

According to this one, a $200 monthly debt decrease translates into almost doubling the amount of house I could buy.

And according to NerdWallet, I can buy a house in Louisville, KY but recommends that I not buy a home at this time in my hometown. Zillow says I can get a $26,000 house. And Lending Tree says I can get a $112,000 house in Charlotte or $117,000 in Boston...when I can get my debt to $500. And a mortgage should be less than 28% of your monthly income...

Yikes!

This made me wonder how I am doing just renting. So I found this rental calculator. And my rent is currently $93 over budget.  Or $300, depending. Well fluff! I guess I know someone who will be looking for a new apartment soon...

On the upside, I now have a much more realistic picture of how debt destroys your dreams. And now I get to revise my goals- get all my monthly debt down to just $500 per month. 

Thank goodness for internet calculators!

Well this was boring and depressing.

Shoes!

OMG Shoes

Is It Ever Cold on the Moral High Ground?

I wouldn't know. I am not that friend. I am not the friend who is going to tell you to do what is right or judge you from straying from the virtuous life. In fact, if you are the one living a perfectly virtuous life, you probably won't want to be my friend anyway. I have glitches some might find unsuitable. I have determined they give me character. I think there is plenty enough good in following your gut. Your gut won't steer you wrong. It isn't going to fail you. As long as you can actually listen to yourself, your regrets will be minimal. Or at least that is what I believe. Your heart can be fickle and it will often fly in the face of all logic. Guts do too. Instincts aren't based in fact and they can get you in trouble, yes. But we still have them for a reason. Plus, it will indeed be quite cold and lonely on the moral high ground if doing what is "right" or "acceptable" is what is also making you miserable. If doing something doesn't come naturally to you and you are doing simply for the sake of other people thinking how good you are, how good are you actually? I advocate for happy. I advocate for not having the kind of regrets that keep you anxious and afraid past 2 am. You need to know yourself enough to know what you can and can't live with. What are you willing to do or not do and can you live with your decision in the morning either way? Now, I am not advocating violence and recklessness. I don't want anyone mean and nasty and I don't wish to hurt anyone. Those reasonable facts and whatnot are still quite useful. I still find being selfish and narcissistic disgusting. One of my favorite things to do is to burst those people's sickeningly egotistical bubbles. (See? Not perfect.) But it is ever so difficult to make another human happy if you are miserable. I really like to believe that we really should help out where we can. I still want to believe the best out of most of humanity. (Notice I said most. I am still a librarian.)

Be happy. Others who are happy will find you and you will make them more happy. The unhappy people will keep their distance from all that disgusting, repulsive happiness. Or you might just find that one vampire- cut them loose. You will know them because you will feel drained the moment they let you out of their presence and you will be relieved they are gone, even if you can only admit it to yourself. But most importantly, you have to live with yourself since there is no way to escape you. Be nice to you and choose happy.

Well that was a warm and fuzzy. I feel a little...uncomfortable. I might have out-happied myself. Or perhaps I am just so relieved I survived until Friday. TGIF!

Happy Pi Day!

Happy Pi Day! I made this and cracked myself up

 But then I found this; the happiest pie ever! Hooray for the internet!

She seems genius. Check out the recipe. I'm simultaneously terrified by this and completely intrigued. It's so pretty! There are sprinkles everywhere! It's donuts! 

You're welcome.

Busy Busy

Sorry to not have posted in a while. I just went back to work (yay!) It has been ok, but I am just not on regular schedule yet.

It has been a bit stressful and tiring. So I made Caramel Sauce. It was tremazing. But I ate it on bananas and apple slices - yummyheaven.
And yes, I am going to see the nutritionist soon where we will talk about my sugar addiction again. But for now, I could bathe in this stuff...

Easy Carmel Sauce
1 cup packed brown sugar
1/2 cup half and half
4 tablespoons butter
pinch of salt
1 tablespoon vanilla extract

Mix everything besides the vanilla in a saucepan on low medium for 7 minutes until it thickens, stirring constantly. Dump in the vanilla and cook for another minute more. Then let it cool a smidge and enjoy.

PS- Sorry! This was scheduled to post Friday, but Happy Daylight Savings Time!

Personal Financial Failure to Thrive

Well not failure. Again, I got the reset button pushed on my life and that includes my financial life. Being out of work for so long tapped out my meager savings. So I am looking at starting again from scratch but I am kind of excited about this. Maybe this time, I can do a little better and reboot to a new normal.

Ya know, no one ever talks about money. Well, no one talks about their own money. But I can't possibly be the only person who doesn't feel comfortable about all this, right? I mean, there are books. Tons of books. But...how much do I really need? How much should I have saved? What about retirement? Investing?? And more importantly, can I still go shopping???

These are my issues. I don't want to miss out on all the fun stuff in life because I was too busy counting pennies. But I do want to be able to vacation, to buy a house eventually, to go to the grocery store without worrying about how much I am spending. Thus, my financial goals for 2016!

Financial Goals for 2016

• $5,000 in savings
• Pay off one credit card
• Pay off my mattress
• Make a budget...?

These are lofty. I feel like they should be attainable but kinda aren't. Already, I am behind by a quarter. I do hate budgeting. It feels...boring. There are so many more surprises in your life when you live thisclose to the edge of your bank account: the thrill of payday! My paydays all have heart stickers on my calendar, I kid you not. Overdrafts and fees! Or the occasional emergency transfers keeping me from ruin! Honestly, there is a lot of action there. Maybe too much action. Maybe I need some boredom. Or maybe I just need some fluff, some space to move. Perhaps finances should be like that new mattress I am paying off: the most comfortable pillow to lay down on. Soft, supportive and cushy, it has your back. Ugh. This is beginning to sound like a relationship that def needs more work.

So here-

MY FINANCIAL THEME SONG:

I do feel much better now that I have theme song. Empowered. Capable. Sexy...oh, wait. Should my finances be sexy? Hell yes! That is some grown, grown lady stuff! Time to get my sexy finances on!

I had been using Personal Capital for a while. My chart is beautifully red, not it's best color. I haven't even looked at it in some time though. So now...

Revised Goals 2016!

• Let my bank account have my back

• Go to the grocery without worrying 

• Feel comfortable

• Have some solid vex money

• Travel

• Back away from debt

• Have a stash

• Take care of the car on time

I should probably print these out and keep them in my wallet. And everywhere else. It looks entirely different to see some financial goals in words and not numbers. There is more room to be open to interpretation. I am certain the financial gurus would not approve of this list since the goals are not concrete, as goals ought to be. Honestly though, they are all related. Have some money in my bank account so that I don't feel slightly panicked all the time, so that I can feel comfortable. Get rid of some debt so I am not hemorrhaging as much every month so that I can be free to do the other things I want like travel for retail therapy. And welcome myself back to the single life with a stash of vex money. Take care of the car so she can take care of me. Fluffy, cushy, sexy. Safe.

This all seems so reasonable, right? I can do this. I'm a BOSS.

Don't Call Me, I'll Call You...Never

I am a shy person naturally. I like to be quiet. I don't love being around tons of people, it's draining. I am an introvert. But none of this explains my phone anxiety. Texting is awesome. It's the best. Because, I am seriously afraid to pick up the phone. Now at work this is not a problem. At work, I can put on an act. That woman running things is not me. Well, she is a version of me, the version who can pick up the phone at any time and do (almost) anything fearlessly. But real me, is scared of a phone call.
You read that right. I am scared of my own cell phone.
That is not grown lady at all.
This is probably a hangover of some sort of something. A weird repression, painful shyness, strange social anxiety. Eek! Talking to people!

So friends, I need therapy. You should call me. And if I don't pick up you will understand, but push me anyway. One needs a little light to sparkle, you know. (That piece of brilliance wasn't mine, but it is genius.)

I had my date with myself this past Sunday. Nothing special, just journaling. I forgot that it was my day to pamper and I didn't take that relaxing bath I promised myself. Instead I worked on that list of stuff that my husband needs to have and be since someone called me on my lack of clarification and inability to articulate a list on the spot. But I did decide that I need to talk more. Talk with the internet, my phone, my people. Because really, who else have I got? I can't be afraid of the people I have chosen to love. They deserve better and so do I.

Dear Concealer, I kinda hate you

Dear Concealer,

I kind of hate you. But you are so magical! I feel like I am pedaling lies and manufacturing fantasy! Which is why I have been avoiding you for years. I worried you were just a mask to hide behind. Because if I always wear you, on the off chance someone saw me without you, they might be petrified or run away panic-stricken... But damn, you do make a lady look good! So maybe we can be friends now? Since I need you. My under eye circles need you. Badly.

Thx

On my journey of fixing my face, I have made discoveries! I have really been working on the basics; literally the base-me without makeup. So here they are, in no particular order:

• Electric toothbrush- I had a Sonicare and then mom took it away when I got out of the hospital and replaced it with an Oral B because of the round head and spinning movement. She thinks this is easier on gums. Either way, it makes brushing way easier and does a much better job than regular manual toothbrush. Oh, and floss too. And I use Plax.
• Arm&Hammer Extreme Whitening Toothpaste- Warning, it's pretty salty but quite effective. It has given me the most bang for the buck I have ever seen.  Its pretty inexpensive and works! Like, I can tell a difference in a day, it works. Good stuff. (Hmm. Maybe I am more obsessed about my teeth than I thought. I didn't notice until just now.)
• Clarisonic- I had one of these and I was so excited to use it when I got out of the hospital. So obviously, it was broken when I finally discovered where I'd put it. And now I have a new one. It does a great job of cleaning without me having to do much work. Hmm, looks like lazy is a theme here too. 
• Distilled Water- Ok, so I feel quite diva about this one but hear me out. I rinse my face with distilled bottled water. It is the cheapest and most effective beauty product I own. I read an article somewhere about hard water making your face break out. When I moved here, I broke out. When I go visit other places, my skin immediately clears up. I have never had a huge issue with acne so when I moved and my face broke out I kind of panicked. Hence, the Clarisonic. But girl, rinsing off my face with distilled water at the end of my normal face washing REALLY helped. 
• Shea Moisture African Black Soap- I have been using this on my face. It is kinda strong but it has been working fairly well at controlling the breakouts. Between sugar and prednisone, I need all the help I can get.

My gems:

Concealer Crayon! This is so easy to use. It just glides on and blends so well. I was worried I would be dragging it across my face and it would be dry, but it wasn't. And it is great color! I wear Light Medium W4-5 and blend it out with a foundation brush. 

Spoolie! Who fluffin' new I had been brushing my eyebrows wrong! I thought this was just for mascara! But, no! This does an amazing job with eyebrows.

And then Brow Drama! I've been wearing Soft Brown. Even my doctor noticed my brows were looking good. Perhaps not yet on fleek; they are a work in progress. Eyebrows can make or break a face. I have judged many a woman on her eyebrows, even when my own were not stunning. So I am an eyebrow hypocrite, but at least I am honest about it. Eyebrows are my thing. I got so distracted watching The Princess Diaries because of Anne Hathaway's brows -they were so enormous on screen...I couldn't take it! Bless her heart, the makeup department jacked her up.

I did get some new makeup in the mail. I am still working on my signature look, but more on that later. You knew I couldn't stop shopping...

Friday Night Ritual

My Friday nights are epic:

Married At First Sight
Love, Lust or Run
Love at First Swipe
Say Yes To the Dress Atlanta


Friday nights are my "late night" and mom and I stay up to watch TLC and FYI. First it's Married at First Sight and we talk about all those crazy women who married a guy and are now complaining that he is trying to be a good husband and they don't even know them. Where are these guys?! Why didn't I find them?! They seem so nice and cute! Or maybe there was a guy I missed...

Then I learn about how to get dressed for your psychological space on Love, Lust or Run. This week I realized that most people use make up to cover things up. And thus is why I am not entirely comfortable in it! I don't feel the need to cover or mask- unless I am at work cuz that woman, the Wicked Witch of the West End, isn't the real me anyway. I just don't want to put in the effort to not be myself, like I am covering up something. Unless I am at work where I am covering all my insecurities and putting my bravest foot forward. So maybe a nice look for work will work. I have had my suits of armor before. Perhaps I should go back to that to fully embrace the person I am when I'm not at work.  Also, solid, solid, print/texture. Thanks Stacy.

Love at First Swipe is great to really start to think about how one looks online. I have some more thinking to do about that. Like wiping the ex from my pictures, just so everyone knows I am actually single and serious about it. I am supposed to be engaging with the internet more anyway.
Tips and tricks:don't lead with your boobies and show pictures of yourself doing the activities you are interested in so you will attract like-minded people.

Say Yes to the Dress? Of course! I will need with a dress sometime eventually. Just practicing for the real thing. And watching tragic catty drama in the bridal salon. Duh.

I always mean to put on a mask and do my nails or something but I usually get distracted by the dishes, Lumosity and blogging. Often in that order. I did manage to put on my new lipstick, so that is a step! It will get better with wine. Everything gets better with wine.

Spending time on the couch with mom on a Friday night? Priceless. But again, better with wine. Or maybe I had some earlier...


Blogger Glasses!! You know me. There is shopping somewhere. But I blame this one on mom- she was insistent I get computer glasses to keep out the blue light...

FYI- Follow me with a Google account

Just to let you know, if you are following me via any other blog reader, Google would like for you to follow this blog with your Google account. So if you don't have a Google account, get one!  Below is what Google says:

In 2011, we announced the retirement of Google Friend Connect for all non-Blogger sites. We made an exception for Blogger to give readers an easy way to follow blogs using a variety of accounts. Yet over time, we’ve seen that most people sign into Friend Connect with a Google Account. So, in an effort to streamline, in the next few weeks we’ll be making some changes that will eventually require readers to have a Google Account to sign into Friend Connect and follow blogs.

As part of this plan, starting the week of January 11, we’ll remove the ability for people with Twitter, Yahoo, Orkut or other OpenId providers to sign in to Google Friend Connect and follow blogs. At the same time, we’ll remove non-Google Account profiles so you may see a decrease in your blog follower count.

We encourage you to tell affected readers (perhaps via a blog post), that if they use a non-Google Account to follow your blog, they need to sign up for a Google Account, and re-follow your blog. With a Google Account, they’ll get blogs added to their Reading List, making it easier for them to see the latest posts and activity of the blogs they follow.

Peace & Love y'all

Vegetable Atonement

Vegetable Atonement

Today, I had a cheeseburger from Culver's. It was amazing! I have been wanting a cheeseburger for months, I just couldn't eat one. But now that I have finally had my cheeseburger, it is time for veggie rehab to atone for my lapse in judgement. Dinner tonight was Kale Chips and Guava Mama flavor Mama Chia. Hallelujah! Vegetable atonement was sooo delicious! I should be instantly healthy now. But I assure you, this actually tasted good. I also had some probiotics.

I am flippin' amazing!

Girl, Have a Smoothie

I have a nutritionist! She is actually the second one I have ever had and funny enough both have had red hair.  Anyway, since I am still rebuilding whatever the histoplasmosis left of me. For the most part, I eat fairly healthy foods, plus candy. Obviously, the candy is the problem here. I have a sugar addiction. Really. If its around, I can't help myself. And I know it causes such issues but I have to have it anyway. I get grouchy, I break out, I crash. I still want it. I can feel it burning through my body and causing my RA to flare and making my muscles hurt. I still want it. I am eating conversation hearts as I type this. Weird joints are aching- like one ankle, a knee and the middle knuckle of my right hand.  My knee is swollen and my face is breaking out. But it's soooo gooood! Alcohol has a similar effect because it's just another form of sugar. Evil stuff, really, but I can't seem to let it go. I know the antidote for it though- vegetables. I should make some kale chips. But I am supposed to be talking about prescription smoothies. She recommended them since I don't want to eat all the stuff I am supposed to, like yogurt and bananas.  And she gave me a couple of websites to check out:

http://www.cookinglight.com/food/recipe-finder/healthy-smoothie-recipes/view-all

http://www.prevention.com/food/20-super-healthy-smoothie-recipes

 http://www.eatingwell.com/recipes_menus/collections/healthy_smoothie_recipes

So of course I started by making my own creations instead of her suggestions. Which involved cocoa powder (No sugar! Well maybe just a little bit), bananas, and yogurt. The nutritionist recommended they be under 200 calories but I am honestly not entire sure how that is supposed to happen. Fruit and yogurt have lots of calories because they are full of sugar! She also said to put in some chia seeds for regularity and some protein powder but not together. I seem to be continuously low on potassium-I feel like my heart gets fluttery but not in a good way. So I need the banana or some orange juice. We will see how this goes.

Bottoms up! Enjoy those recipes, but here is mine- I hardly ever measure anything so this is approximate.  :)

Chocolate Banana Smoothie

1 banana
2 heaping tablespoons of cocoa powder
3-4 heaping tablespoons of plain yogurt
1 teaspoonish of vanilla
couple of ice cubes
Blend and enjoy!  See? No sugar! So make sure that banana is good and ripe.

100 Views!

Grown Lady-ish got one hundred page views!

Happy Friday! Ohmygosh! My blog just hit 100 views last night! Go me! Then this happened!!

It's like the universe said "Hey Babygirl, you know I still love you." 

Not only did I find the extremely rare Baby Lips Balm Ball, I also found 2 pounds of my favorite candy on clearance!! Two pounds! Balm Balls! Two of my addictions in one Walgreens!! I was quite pleased with myself and wallowed in my good fortune.

And then I called Delta to try to book a trip using my flight credit. So maybe the universe just knew I would need those conversation hearts later to console myself while I wonder how I got schnockered into paying more for something of lesser value that I already paid for... No direct flight! I don't even get to fly Delta! I get to catch commuter planes at multiple airports. It's like buying a knockoff handbag at the designer price. But getting a chance to be with the people I love is totally worth it. So really, it is a windfall and the universe still likes me. To spend money. Or maybe that's just me...

Anywhoodlydo,  my blog has been viewed a hundred times! I didn't think anyone would actually notice or care! I have followers and I am quite grateful! So followers, is there anything you would like to see more of? Less of? Feedback, questions, comments? Email me at growladyish82@gmail.com!

Getting My Ish Together: I Need New Makeup!

I have come to realize that I need to step up my game. This has been my unconscious focus this week. I need to fix my face. My face is fine, but I have begun to see the beginnings of age and the aftermath of illness. With that age comes a bit of a need for some more sophistication, a need for more mystery...and concealer. I have never been a girl who wears a lot of make up or wears make up a lot. Don't get me wrong, I love makeup and the effect it has. I really love anything shiny and colorful. I am fairly easy/predictable that way. But it has been some time since I have put anything on my face. My skills are SUPER rusty.  My make up is old-like a couple years old and maybe I shouldn't use it anymore? Plus I am still making acquaintance with this new face. I gotta step up my single lady game. I need to find my single lady game...

So I started with skincare. My girl told me years ago I needed eye cream. Any eye cream, she didn't care, just use some. So of course, I didn't. But now... I seriously need to send these bags packing. So I have Booth's No. 7.  and I got some serum to go with it. The serum seems really lovely so far. The eye cream stung slightly but it has gone away. Maybe that means its working? And some Neutrogena Hydro Boost moisturizer. The moisturizer is super light and not sticky or shiny- it actually dries to a matte finish but is still moisturizing.

Also, my girl MakeUpByRen recommended I check out NitraaB on YouTube. I really like Nitraa's look-she is gorgeous and I feel like Ren Ren nailed a great inspirational artist and look for me. Plus she had a great video about economical makeup for beginners. So again, down the shopping wormhole...

I found these intriguing and affordable brands online that I am dying to try!
BH Cosmetics
Colour Pop
Sigma
Coastal Scents
GlamGlow

Ok, so GlamGlow isn't all that cheap but it isn't completely out of range either. I ended up ordering from BH Cosmetics and Colour Pop since I feel hard for that lip color Nitraa is wearing in the video. I am working on creating a more neutral look as I am usually attracted to the shiny sparkles, so see? I needed that lipstick.

And I tried a new look...

It was actually really easy; I was super surprised. I got my inspiration from a Maybelline add that is on my Vision Board. A little under eye concealer, a wash of one golden-y color on my eyelids, liquid liner winged out on the top lashes topped with my favorite eyeliner pencil and more of that on the water line, define the brows with some brown eyeshadow and lip brush ('cuz that's what I had), a little glowy bronzer on my cheeks and some bright lipstick. RED lipstick no less! Take that Mom! Well, it was all easy to put on, not as easy to write about. I feel like I could rock this to work fairly well since it came together pretty quickly.

I got some single lady shoes too. Dillard's had clearance. You should know by now I can't help this. I am stimulating the economy with my tax return! It is Refund Season after all...I am a PATRIOT! I am great at rationalization. But wait, I do have a plan: I am setting the bar higher with heels. This time around, I want a really tall guy so I can wear these fabulous confections. Hear that universe? TALL! Six feet plus! So I can wear these shoes, OMG! (Yes, Trez, I went without you and got the Barbie shoes. Sorry, girl.)

Exercise Not Recommended...

Unfortunately, I am not cleared for exercise just yet. So I have been trying to work out my drug addled brain instead of my flabby muscles. Now, before anyone tries to come to my house looking for oxy, please note I am not allowed to take any painkillers right now so my drugs aren't fun; they are more of the benadryl mind fog ilk than any sort of psychadelic fun time. To help my clear my prednisone/stahist quagmire I have been doing Lumosity. Honestly, I have been doing Lumosity for over a year since it helped me clear that last mind fog. Yes, it is kinda expensive. BUT I got to renew it at a lower price from a coupon code I got from RetailMeNot (angelic music here) and got Mom a membership since I upgraded my account because she was really interested and I didn't want her messing up my stats. Mom doesn't use it, of course but I feel like it helps and it doesn't take too long. And I can compare myself to everyone else on the site and my inner high-achiever super nerd likes that there are comparative percentiles! I have plenty of room for improvement in those.

I have been a lump on the couch and I really need to get moving so I turned to YouTube, my go-to how-to. As always, there is plenty of crazy out there but I did find Blogilates which seems interesting and physically challenging. Thus, I have started a stretch challenge. It is challenging, to say the least. Even though the instructor, who is really energetic, has a ton of videos, I still can't really do them even though they are pretty easy. I am that out of shape.

I am confident that I will not be doing all of these poses by the end of the month. (Secret Confession: I have have always wanted to be able to do #24. No idea why.) Taking charge of my health is on the 2016 Goal List. So here is my recipe for one of my favorite healthy snacks, kale chips :)

Kale Chips
Ingredients:
1 bunch of kale, washed and chopped
olive oil
salt
lemon
parmesan cheese (optional)

Directions:
Heat oven to 350 degrees.
Toss the clean kale in olive oil and salt and spread on a sheet pan. Try to keep the kale in one layer to keep the air moving around it. Bake for 15 minutes or until kale is crispy. It will be brittle, like a potato chip. Remove from the oven and squeeze with a little lemon juice, sprinkle with cheese. These are my addiction. I will eat the whole the pan by myself.

But because everything always devolves into shopping, I also found Fabletics. Perhaps this will be my motivation to get a super cute workout outfit and then I will actually want to work out, right??? Exactly!

Sigh

It all really does return to shopping for me, doesn't it? I love this jacket from Loft. Y'all better not buy up my jacket!

And did you know they have horoscopes? There's a new moon in my Love Zone, aww yeah! And, fellow Librans, the home run: the only problem is letting go of any indecision that keeps you from choosing what you want. Well shoot, I just said that last week! Or something equally brilliant. Anywho, I am not usually a huge believer but this one has been fairly consistently spot on. It's free entertainment with adorable jackets anyway. I need to ask my girl to read my cards again... hmm... Forthcoming brilliance alert! From this point on, I am going to refer to my real life friends by their car's names, to protect the innocent. Tarot cards are read by my genius lady Trez. LOL.

Well, if I don't do any actual exercise, I can still surf the internet.
Honestly, I have a problem.

Yes, My Christmas Tree Is Still Up

Yes, the tree is still up. Yes, it is Super Bowl Sunday which means it is February and my Christmas tree is still up. Here, let me distract you with my incredible recipe for Buffalo Chicken Dip, the green bean casserole of the Great American Holiday of Advertising. I don't even know who is playing but I know what I will be eating...

Buffalo Chicken Dip
2 cans of Swanson chicken breast
1 8 oz. package Philadelphia cream cheese
1/2 cup Frank's Red Hot Sauce
1/2 cup Ken's Blue Cheese dressing
1/2 crumbled blue cheese crumbles or shredded cheddar

Preheat oven to 350 degrees
Combine all ingredients in a shallow 1 qt. baking dish
Bake 20 minutes or until mixture is heated through. I usually put the cheddar shreds on top so I wait until they are nice and golden gooey. You can substitute ranch for the blue cheese dressing (but I will judge you on that b/c you just ruined it) and if you are super fancy, you can also shred your own chicken but this is America and there is no good reason to get all high and mighty with this dip (and I will judge you again on how you think you are better than the rest of us). Serve with celery sticks so you won't feel so bad about eating this but it goes well on tortilla chips and pretty much anything else you could think of. I have eaten it with a spoon.


You are still thinking about my Christmas tree aren't you? I can feel it through the interwebs! Don't judge me! I have tons of excuses! It is beautiful but I am not going to show you a picture for the shame of it. Well maybe I will show you a picture...

Oh, wait! This is supposed to be my Year of Yes. But there it is: the shiny, sparkly, champagne colored embodiment of... procrastination. So why am I saying yes to putting off the life I actually want to live? I should be saying no, I will create my new, Christmas Tree Free life today. Right now. Or else it might never get done. Which means I might never get to live. And I will never get done. 

Well that went real deep in a hurry. But procrastination has always been an issue for me. (Look! Excuse #1) I can start making healthier choices tomorrow. Maybe he will change if I just give it some time. Yes, these shoes are giving me blisters but they look so cute on my feet now. I'll put away the laundry tomorrow since I already folded it up today. What else have I been putting off? The ever-multiplying list of books I want to read. All those (crazy!) goals I made for myself back at the beginning of the year. Making myself happy...

I was doing so well. I left the guy and got my own apartment- my very first place to call mine. I had friends over (this was huge for me) all the time! I only had one corner left to unpack! I got to enjoy it for all of a month and then I got sick (Excuse #2! but this one is legit). Two weeks in bed, two weeks in the hospital, two weeks on the scariest, most awful, miracle drug in the world, two months more I don't really remember and here I am in the second month of being conscious-ish 60%-80% of the time. I was on a roll but I got totally, entirely derailed. I haven't been able to do much for a really long time. It has been way easier to not do very much. Loosing autonomy and independence grates against my nature, but like that old pair of sweatpants you really can't wear out of the house, procrastination is just soooo comfy! (Excuse #3: I can do whatever I want when mom goes home) I slipped into an old habit before I even realized it. It hooked its claws in me, pulled me under and I didn't even notice! Safe and secure on the lake bottom, with all that stagnant procrastination water weight keeping me down, I just now realized I can't breathe. There is sunlight up there. I don't have to choose this warm darkness. It isn't safe; its slowly killing me. Robbing me of time, taking up way too much mental space, creating unneeded and ridiculous anxiety, keeping me from what I want, taking me far away from life. I can leave you behind. I can break the surface and see the sun. Its perfectly normal to breathe. If you were an actual boyfreind, we would have broken up a long time ago.


Fine! I will take down the stupid tree!


PS My grandmother said we keep the Christmas tree up until Old Christmas. Which has long passed. Yes, she would be ashamed. Sorry Grandmi. I promise to work on it.

PPS Enjoy the dip :) Say yes to the celery. There! You didn't put off making a healthier decision! Go you!

OMG These shoes! I am perfectly aware that these are not grown lady shoes. But look at them! They are simultaneously horrendous and spectacular! Like the actual party threw up on my feet. There is nothing I own that goes with them. There is possibly nothing on earth that goes with them. I need them. AND they are on CLEARANCE! Can you believe!? Well, yes I can, since no grown woman should wear these and least of all in public. Please understand that it is all I can do to keep from jumping in the car this moment and going back to Dillard's...

Shopping is a Problem: Anthropologie

The dress that got away...

I found this  Moulinette Soeurs dress at Anthropologie and fell in love in the clearance section. It is fun and a little weird but elegant. Ugh! And now it is gone...but while I was there I found candle holders! How grown up is that?!

These are beautiful. I don't need them but I do need them. They would look so amazing on my dining table, wouldn't they? I know, of course they would!

I also need these:

I should probably stay away from Anthropologie. I am in grave danger of indulging in my obsession with bowls. I also have a thing for mugs. It is entirely unreasonable, I know. 

And this goes with a teacup I got as a gift a few years ago. Sigh. 

Anyway, I just had to share.

The Rules of Being Ladylike

I have had the distinct benefit of being raised in a Matriarchy. My family was run by my Grandmother and now, by my mother. It will come to me someday. We got rid of all the men by either death or divorce. Relax, we aren’t murderesses! We just haven’t imported  or created any men lately. I didn’t even know I was a feminist until I took a women’s studies class in college and realized I was just raised that way. I watched, learned and listened. So here they are. The ones with the exclamation points are the ones most likely to have been yelled across the house.

1. Put some earrings on! Don’t let your earholes go naked. You look unfinished. Mom still says this to me fairly frequently.
2. Put some lipstick on! This was Grandmi’s edict for every going out and specifically for church. Even as a teenager when I am pretty sure my lips were still youthfully rosy and naturally lovely, she would tell me to go put on some lipstick. She would tell her mother the same thing. There was always a lipstick or two in the tiny decorative bathtub next to the bathroom sink. Like every woman, she had the one shade she wore all the time and a bunch of others languishing in a corner somewhere. I was always intrigued by those dusty Avon tubes in the medicine cabinet . I would open them on occasion and they were unfailingly some demure shade of neutral rose. It is surprising that somehow this edict didn’t sink in better. Perhaps a nice, neutral, rosy shade next to my sink would be nice...
3. Don’t wear red nail polish. Somehow my mother hates this classic color. To be fair, it isn’t her best shade and neither was it for anyone else in the family, including me. She always said it wasn’t “classy,” which is really her sweet, kind way of saying that it is trashy and reeks of prostitution. I am fully aware that this isn’t true. I have a friend for whom red nail polish is her signature color and she looks fabulous in it.  Plus, I have a great-great grandmother who drank beer, loved boxing and wore red fishnets into her elder years. I am fairly certain she wouldn’t have frowned upon red nail polish. I would have loved to have known her- and I did for a very short time- but I was only two when she died. She was a barber. She sounds bad-ass. But while we are on the subject of nail polish, it shouldn’t be chipped. For the same reasons as above.
4. Don’t cross your legs! Only hussies cross their legs at the knees. If you must, it should be at the ankle, only. Don’t be like those ladies on TV showing off all their goods to the camera for all the world to see! You can practically see straight up her dress! Unh, un, un! (Sucking of teeth & disgusted shaking of head in that most grandmotherly of ways) Note: I am sitting here typing this with my legs crossed at the knee. Obviously, I have failed them.
5. Never wear pearls or opals. It is a rule that the women of my family don’t wear pearls or opals. Though they are fine and quite lovely on other people, pearls apparently bring tears for us. I am not sure if black pearls still count but all whom I could ask are gone. Opals bring bad luck unless they are your birthstone. I believe my great grandmother had some incident involving opals but she wouldn’t talk about it. 
6. If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Classic parental admonition. I can say though that I have actually seen the ladies of my family do this and it is always exquisite to behold since you know that eventually, that person is gonna get it.
7. Walk softly and carry a big stick. Grandmi kept a sword in the closet. Enough said.
8.  Have good table manners. For heaven’s sake, don’t be disgusting!
9. Write Thank You cards. The old school kind that you write by hand on some sort of card or stationary and send in the snail mail. It’s polite and nice. Auntie Millie will cut you off if you don’t send her a thank you card for your birthday/graduation/Christmas present. She will also talk about how disrespectful and ungrateful you are for not taking the time to appreciate a gesture of kindness made an effort towards your benefit. Send that card!
10.  Never leave the house with your hair in curlers. Or in any way wrapped. Tastefully bound headscarfs are acceptable but preferably on other people. The bottom line was don’t go out of the house undone. It’s not classy. See rule #1.
11.  Kill them with kindness. Be gracious and kind to everyone, even if it hurts and you really don’t want to. Kindness kills. Or rather, let them look horrible while you are obviously beyond reproach.  Don’t stoop to someone else's low behavior or poor manners since you will only hurt yourself. I have to say, that as a librarian, I struggle with this one as my faith in humanity is shot.
12.  Always give children two cookies, one for each hand. Always give them two of everything if it is food. It keeps them occupied and adorably confused for a moment.
13. Treat siblings equally. Not treating children equally deeply disturbed Grandmi. According to her, mothers shouldn’t have favorites and neither should anyone else in the family. She always believed that if you give one sibling something, you have to give the other something of equivalent value and that they wouldn’t fight over. This really went for any situation in which there were multiple children. I was an only child, so I just got everything.
14. Always keep a little something stashed away. For a rainy day. Or when you need to leave some idiot man in a hurry. ALWAYS keep a spare twenty dollar bill in your wallet, in case of emergency. Grandmi lived by this and always made sure I had one while she was still here. In my wallet now, that twenty is often either very lonely or entirely absent...
15. Have some plants. My grandmother loved roses. The Grandmothers always had violets. Our back porch in the summer was transformed into a beautiful oasis of blossoms where even the houseplants would be transported outside for airing. Our flowers even have names like Mr. Lincoln, the rosebush. Reverend Washington, our prolific Christmas cactus, is older than my mother. I have some of him now. The original Rev is still in Boston with my great uncle. Music for Rev and the rest of the plants is played on schedule: country Monday through Saturday and classical on Sundays. It’s not a home without a plant.
16. Accept compliments graciously. Just say thank you. Don't pay attention to  nasty things people say about you. Who are they anyway? Do they even matter? Why waste your time on what clearly a waste of time?! Ignore it and move on
17. Be on the side of what's right- and be willing to fight for it. Especially fight against an injustice where the victim can't defend themselves. If you can right a wrong, do it and don’t expect that others will do it for you. Do good. Don’t talk about it.  At Grandmi’s funeral, many people got up to speak about the incredibly kind things my grandmother had done or created in life for others. We knew she was involved in the community, but paying for the medication of the other people in line at the pharmacy? Even we, her family, had no idea. She didn’t mention it or even suggest that we do the same. I wish she had but, ever humble, she was never looking for a compliment.
18. Walk like you are going somewhere. Be confident and don't look like a target for robbers. For heaven's sake, don’t bumble around looking confused! Know where you are headed or at least look like it.
19. Don't let on too much about yourself. Listen to people instead of prattling on about yourself. Have some mystery. People will always tell you exactly who they are if only you will listen to them.  Its better that people underestimate you since it sets you up so much better for the surprise attack later. 
20. A bad attitude is never a good look. It messes up your face. Literally messes up your pretty face and makes you look ugly. You are not cute projecting that all that negativity. It is impossible for you to be attractive as you are quite literally repellant. You need to stop before your face gets stuck like that.
21. You can find better words than curse words. This was like the “understood you” in my family. There wasn't a lot a swearing because it was expected that you should be able to clearly communicate your thoughts and ideas with the power of a keen vocabulary.
22. Don't let anyone leave your home, and especially your table, hungry. Thanksgiving had two turkeys and was eaten in shifts at two banquet tables in the dining room with the living room as overflow. We always had leftovers and guests took a plate home. It's shameful to not feed your guests adequately, generously, and with love.
23. Put others before yourself. Share and don't be selfish. I have seen this one backfire, so be careful and use caution.
24. Appreciate and respect your elders and listen to what they have to say, for one day they will be gone and you will wish you had. Go visit them in the nursing home for the same reason.
25. Never go to sleep on your anger. You might not wake up in the morning or you might never get the chance to say you are sorry, or both.
26.  Some things are not for us to understand. There really is no accounting for human behavior. There is also no set of common knowledge so there is no “common sense.” But do have a little faith.
27. Don’t air your dirty laundry.  What happens in the house, stays in the house. The world doesn’t need to know about your problems.
28. Prepare for war in a time of peace. My Grandmi said this all the time. Stock up! Have lots of extras of everything. EVERYTHING! During the Blizzard of ’78 while people were trekking in the snow for basics like bread and toilet paper, my Grandmother took the opportunity of being snowed in to bake her own bread and muffins for fun. She broke out the powdered milk that never got used, no need to wait in line at the Stop & Shop. They had glorious home baked abundance. It was legendary. So spectacular are the memories of this feast that the entire family would forget that I wasn’t even born yet to reminisce with them about their blissful blizzard baking extravaganza and extended staycation. This rule also goes for all sorts of things, like working on boards with the recalcitrant and unreasonable. Noodle on that one.
29. What goes around, comes around. Karma is a B. So don’t worry about a thing, the universe has set it straight already and everyone will get what is coming to them eventually. Flip side: watch that what’s coming to you isn’t the bad stuff you have brought upon other people come back to haunt you. 
30. Have your own opinion. Don’t let others do your thinking for you.

It seems I am currently breaking rule #3, tacky me! I am also behind on #9. Number eleven is admittedly questionable. Rule #23 is a little shaky too. It seems I have created another to do list. 

For a woman who had many rules about keeping one’s mouth shut, Grandmi wasn’t quiet. Her voice was booming, the expression of the force to be reckoned with that she was. My grandmother’s voice would carry an entire church, THE ENTIRE CHURCH, I’m not kidding, singing the alto part while the rest of us muddled the melody. Her whisper could be heard throughout the house. Perhaps the rest of us, including her mother, were quiet because we didn’t need to be loud. Grandmi could rule the realm, any realm, with a look or a whisper or a hurricane. Now that, is quite ladylike.

Grown Lady Stuff:

I did my taxes! The stars aligned and behold- BOTH W-2s were in my mailbox on the SAME DAY! Miracles abound! I took this as my cue to get my tax refund early. It must be obvious to the universe that I need the money. The universe is never wrong.

I finished my Vision Board! Only 3 weeks overdue! It is still a work in progress but it is my very first. My friends have been doing them for years.

Hello?

My mother recently declared that my socks, the comfy athletic kind I have been wearing since elementary school, are not grown up socks. I look and act (most of the time) like an adult but I guess I just don’t feel so reliable and full of spreadsheets on the inside like I thought I would. Happily, I’m not the only one with this problem. I had coffee with a friend and we talked about New Years Resolutions. I don’t make them. If you are going to actually do something, you should just do it now. Or, if you are a procrastinator like me, never. Anywhoodlydo, she said her goal was that she wanted to finally get her shit together. She is slightly older than me so I don’t feel as bad about the hot mess I am. But her words stupefied me in their brilliance- "get your shit together." Get your grown ass lady shit together so you can be that grown lady you are supposed to be. The one with the great hair and house and amazing boyfriend. The lady who knows where all her money is. The one everyone goes to because her advice is always amazing. The one who is effortlessly beautiful and stands her ground. The one who knows where she is going, what she is doing and how exactly she is going to get there to do it. I want to be her.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am an adult. I take responsibility for my actions and I pay stuff mostly on time. I have a real job for which I am grossly underpaid. The excuse of being stupid and not knowing better but just didn't yet of my 20’s. The best part about the 30’s is that you are smart enough not to be stupid but still young enough to have fun before your knees totally give out. I am not out all night getting drunk and waking up in a new stranger’s bed every day. I am not addicted to anything stronger than sugar and wine, which are pretty much the same thing. I have no children. I am fairly boring. To start, I am a librarian. (Laugh it up but I am the coolest and hottest librarian you will ever meet. As long as you don't also meet my other librarian friends.) I don’t smoke or do drugs because our family dog, Targa, died of lung cancer and I have control issues. I don’t drink too much unless it is wine, and then all bets are off. I just broke an engagement to a few months ago to a guy who was, and still is, a decent human with a stable job and a house. According to the government, I have been an adult for a long time. But at 33, I still don’t feel like I have my stuff together. Beauty, finances, career, love life- all is currently in shambles. Most of that is my fault. But I will throw some of that to the fact that I got extremely ill this past fall and am still recovering. I like to see this as a moment to step back and hit the reset button on my life. I have the gift of trying again after I almost lost it all. I kinda hit the universal lottery. So I should really take advantage of this rare boon and do something with it... anything. Anything at all. Universe? I am still awaiting instructions about how I am supposed to go about the rest of my life and what exactly I should be doing...any sign would be ever so helpful! PLEASE?? Please...

 So 2016 is THE YEAR I WILL GET MY SHIT TOGETHER AND BE A GROWN LADY.

And now I have started a blog because I am trying to hold myself accountable to this crazy idea. Also because my sister Lauren said I should start a blog. She wasn’t forthcoming on any details as to why or what it should be about. Just that I should write one. Thx sis.

So here are my goals for this year in no particular order:

• hang curtains
• say YES (thanks Amy Poehler & Shonda Rhimes)
• send pictures to family that I have been hanging on to for years now
• engage with the Internet
• get better pillows
• make a vision board
• get a new job
• send thank you cards
• clarify what I want in a husband
• lead a more organized life
• stop procrastinating and do it now
• get regular oil changes
• get Christmas & craft stuff from the ex’s house
• take down the barriers
• choose to be happy 
• stay fly (thanks sister Lauren)
• fend off diabetes (thanks Mom)
• win this weight battle once and for all
• choose health
• use everything God gave me 
• research other careers
• organize my shoes
• read more books
• start the histoplasmosis society
• make a life mix of music
• stay in touch with my family
• create a signature look
• pay off my mattress
• organize my computer files
• take a bath once a week
• get a rug
• get everyone’s birthday so I don’t keep missing them
• finish my LinkedIn
• take mom to see Star Wars
• write down one good thing every day or at least once a week
• have/throw a party
• have a monthly date with myself to check my progress
• make my own cards and stationary
• develop a budget and stop spending money (ha!)
• get some placemats
• learn cards against humanity
• get the art out of my head
• get a something to hold all my pans
• check my email at 7:00 every night
• clear my voicemail on Sundays
• go to bed by 10

So... Hi. Welcome to the attempt to get my ish together this year! As for those spreadsheets-I don’t actually like spreadsheets. I did get better socks though, so I must be on my way.

This week:

Good Stuff: I am ever grateful that my mother dropped her life to come take care of me while I have been sick. I would have been entirely lost without her and probably overdosed or underdosed since I was too out of it to pay attention. Thanks for bringing me into the world and for not letting me go. And for the sock upgrade.

Current addictions: Tate’s Chocolate Chip Cookies and Conversation Hearts

Lusting: These shoes! They are purple! OMG

Wine: still medically inadvisable ...