I have had the distinct benefit of being raised in a Matriarchy. My family was run by my Grandmother and now, by my mother. It will come to me someday. We got rid of all the men by either death or divorce. Relax, we aren’t murderesses! We just haven’t imported or created any men lately. I didn’t even know I was a feminist until I took a women’s studies class in college and realized I was just raised that way. I watched, learned and listened. So here they are. The ones with the exclamation points are the ones most likely to have been yelled across the house.
- Put some earrings on! Don’t let your earholes go naked. You look unfinished. Mom still says this to me fairly frequently.
- Put some lipstick on! This was Grandmi’s edict for every going out and specifically for church. Even as a teenager when I am pretty sure my lips were still youthfully rosy and naturally lovely, she would tell me to go put on some lipstick. She would tell her mother the same thing. There was always a lipstick or two in the tiny decorative bathtub next to the bathroom sink. Like every woman, she had the one shade she wore all the time and a bunch of others languishing in a corner somewhere. I was always intrigued by those dusty Avon tubes in the medicine cabinet . I would open them on occasion and they were unfailingly some demure shade of neutral rose. It is surprising that somehow this edict didn’t sink in better. Perhaps a nice, neutral, rosy shade next to my sink would be nice...
- Don’t wear red nail polish. Somehow my mother hates this classic color. To be fair, it isn’t her best shade and neither was it for anyone else in the family, including me. She always said it wasn’t “classy,” which is really her sweet, kind way of saying that it is trashy and reeks of prostitution. I am fully aware that this isn’t true. I have a friend for whom red nail polish is her signature color and she looks fabulous in it. Plus, I have a great-great grandmother who drank beer, loved boxing and wore red fishnets into her elder years. I am fairly certain she wouldn’t have frowned upon red nail polish. I would have loved to have known her- and I did for a very short time- but I was only two when she died. She was a barber. She sounds bad-ass. But while we are on the subject of nail polish, it shouldn’t be chipped. For the same reasons as above.
- Don’t cross your legs! Only hussies cross their legs at the knees. If you must, it should be at the ankle, only. Don’t be like those ladies on TV showing off all their goods to the camera for all the world to see! You can practically see straight up her dress! Unh, un, un! (Sucking of teeth & disgusted shaking of head in that most grandmotherly of ways) Note: I am sitting here typing this with my legs crossed at the knee. Obviously, I have failed them.
- Never wear pearls or opals. It is a rule that the women of my family don’t wear pearls or opals. Though they are fine and quite lovely on other people, pearls apparently bring tears for us. I am not sure if black pearls still count but all whom I could ask are gone. Opals bring bad luck unless they are your birthstone. I believe my great grandmother had some incident involving opals but she wouldn’t talk about it.
- If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Classic parental admonition. I can say though that I have actually seen the ladies of my family do this and it is always exquisite to behold since you know that eventually, that person is gonna get it.
- Walk softly and carry a big stick. Grandmi kept a sword in the closet. Enough said.
- Have good table manners. For heaven’s sake, don’t be disgusting!
- Write Thank You cards. The old school kind that you write by hand on some sort of card or stationary and send in the snail mail. It’s polite and nice. Auntie Millie will cut you off if you don’t send her a thank you card for your birthday/graduation/Christmas present. She will also talk about how disrespectful and ungrateful you are for not taking the time to appreciate a gesture of kindness made an effort towards your benefit. Send that card!
- Never leave the house with your hair in curlers. Or in any way wrapped. Tastefully bound headscarfs are acceptable but preferably on other people. The bottom line was don’t go out of the house undone. It’s not classy. See rule #1.
- Kill them with kindness. Be gracious and kind to everyone, even if it hurts and you really don’t want to. Kindness kills. Or rather, let them look horrible while you are obviously beyond reproach. Don’t stoop to someone else's low behavior or poor manners since you will only hurt yourself. I have to say, that as a librarian, I struggle with this one as my faith in humanity is shot.
- Always give children two cookies, one for each hand. Always give them two of everything if it is food. It keeps them occupied and adorably confused for a moment.
- Treat siblings equally. Not treating children equally deeply disturbed Grandmi. According to her, mothers shouldn’t have favorites and neither should anyone else in the family. She always believed that if you give one sibling something, you have to give the other something of equivalent value and that they wouldn’t fight over. This really went for any situation in which there were multiple children. I was an only child, so I just got everything.
- Always keep a little something stashed away. For a rainy day. Or when you need to leave some idiot man in a hurry. ALWAYS keep a spare twenty dollar bill in your wallet, in case of emergency. Grandmi lived by this and always made sure I had one while she was still here. In my wallet now, that twenty is often either very lonely or entirely absent...
- Have some plants. My grandmother loved roses. The Grandmothers always had violets. Our back porch in the summer was transformed into a beautiful oasis of blossoms where even the houseplants would be transported outside for airing. Our flowers even have names like Mr. Lincoln, the rosebush. Reverend Washington, our prolific Christmas cactus, is older than my mother. I have some of him now. The original Rev is still in Boston with my great uncle. Music for Rev and the rest of the plants is played on schedule: country Monday through Saturday and classical on Sundays. It’s not a home without a plant.
- Accept compliments graciously. Just say thank you. Don't pay attention to nasty things people say about you. Who are they anyway? Do they even matter? Why waste your time on what clearly a waste of time?! Ignore it and move on
- Be on the side of what's right- and be willing to fight for it. Especially fight against an injustice where the victim can't defend themselves. If you can right a wrong, do it and don’t expect that others will do it for you. Do good. Don’t talk about it. At Grandmi’s funeral, many people got up to speak about the incredibly kind things my grandmother had done or created in life for others. We knew she was involved in the community, but paying for the medication of the other people in line at the pharmacy? Even we, her family, had no idea. She didn’t mention it or even suggest that we do the same. I wish she had but, ever humble, she was never looking for a compliment.
- Walk like you are going somewhere. Be confident and don't look like a target for robbers. For heaven's sake, don’t bumble around looking confused! Know where you are headed or at least look like it.
- Don't let on too much about yourself. Listen to people instead of prattling on about yourself. Have some mystery. People will always tell you exactly who they are if only you will listen to them. Its better that people underestimate you since it sets you up so much better for the surprise attack later.
- A bad attitude is never a good look. It messes up your face. Literally messes up your pretty face and makes you look ugly. You are not cute projecting that all that negativity. It is impossible for you to be attractive as you are quite literally repellant. You need to stop before your face gets stuck like that.
- You can find better words than curse words. This was like the “understood you” in my family. There wasn't a lot a swearing because it was expected that you should be able to clearly communicate your thoughts and ideas with the power of a keen vocabulary.
- Don't let anyone leave your home, and especially your table, hungry. Thanksgiving had two turkeys and was eaten in shifts at two banquet tables in the dining room with the living room as overflow. We always had leftovers and guests took a plate home. It's shameful to not feed your guests adequately, generously, and with love.
- Put others before yourself. Share and don't be selfish. I have seen this one backfire, so be careful and use caution.
- Appreciate and respect your elders and listen to what they have to say, for one day they will be gone and you will wish you had. Go visit them in the nursing home for the same reason.
- Never go to sleep on your anger. You might not wake up in the morning or you might never get the chance to say you are sorry, or both.
- Some things are not for us to understand. There really is no accounting for human behavior. There is also no set of common knowledge so there is no “common sense.” But do have a little faith.
- Don’t air your dirty laundry. What happens in the house, stays in the house. The world doesn’t need to know about your problems.
- Prepare for war in a time of peace. My Grandmi said this all the time. Stock up! Have lots of extras of everything. EVERYTHING! During the Blizzard of ’78 while people were trekking in the snow for basics like bread and toilet paper, my Grandmother took the opportunity of being snowed in to bake her own bread and muffins for fun. She broke out the powdered milk that never got used, no need to wait in line at the Stop & Shop. They had glorious home baked abundance. It was legendary. So spectacular are the memories of this feast that the entire family would forget that I wasn’t even born yet to reminisce with them about their blissful blizzard baking extravaganza and extended staycation. This rule also goes for all sorts of things, like working on boards with the recalcitrant and unreasonable. Noodle on that one.
- What goes around, comes around. Karma is a B. So don’t worry about a thing, the universe has set it straight already and everyone will get what is coming to them eventually. Flip side: watch that what’s coming to you isn’t the bad stuff you have brought upon other people come back to haunt you.
- Have your own opinion. Don’t let others do your thinking for you.
It seems I am currently breaking rule #3, tacky me! I am also behind on #9. Number eleven is admittedly questionable. Rule #23 is a little shaky too. It seems I have created another to do list.
For a woman who had many rules about keeping one’s mouth shut, Grandmi wasn’t quiet. Her voice was booming, the expression of the force to be reckoned with that she was. My grandmother’s voice would carry an entire church, THE ENTIRE CHURCH, I’m not kidding, singing the alto part while the rest of us muddled the melody. Her whisper could be heard throughout the house. Perhaps the rest of us, including her mother, were quiet because we didn’t need to be loud. Grandmi could rule the realm, any realm, with a look or a whisper or a hurricane. Now that, is quite ladylike.
Grown Lady Stuff:
I did my taxes! The stars aligned and behold- BOTH W-2s were in my mailbox on the SAME DAY! Miracles abound! I took this as my cue to get my tax refund early. It must be obvious to the universe that I need the money. The universe is never wrong.
I finished my Vision Board! Only 3 weeks overdue! It is still a work in progress but it is my very first. My friends have been doing them for years.
